Married Men.

Recently I got back in touch with an old friend from college. Mark and I were very close all through college and our relationship was filled with crazy sexual chemistry that we never acted on. He was always dating someone, or I was, and quite frankly I thought he was too good for me. Mark was charismatic and laughed easily and intense in a very relaxed way. He was attractive, a sort of blend between Chris O'Donnell and Paul Rudd. Girls had crushes on him and guys respected him for his skills on the rugby pitch. I was always very aware of the times I would get special attention from Mark, like when we would stay up all night talking about what had meaning for us at the time or when he would come and find me in the cafeteria. I wasn't sure if the aliveness and connectedness I felt with him was just my own perception and was a bit afraid of how much of a charge there was between us. Instead of dating him, I dated his best friend and nearly got married to him. Mark did marry, and I attended his wedding, slightly aware of my left-behind feelings, wondering what it was that his wife had that I didn't.

When Mark friended me on Facebook a few months ago, I was thrilled to be back in touch with him. I immediately felt the same connection and spark that had been there 10 years ago, but again assumed I was the only one feeling it. Until he asked me to have an affair with him. Then I knew it wasn't just me (I know. Don't be jealous of how perceptive I am).

The chatting started off mild and only bordered on flirtatious. I liked the attention I was getting from him because I like him, so much. There are very few men that I have met in my life that I feel as much love and respect for. Not to mention the connection... it is powerful what we have. We talked openly about our lives; me, about my struggle to be in relationship with my father, he about his stale marriage. He adores his wife, he said, and they are best friends. But the sex is bad. "Always has been," he told me.

It doesn't take long before it's all out on the table. He wants to have an affair. He doesn't think it's wrong. He doesn't want to lose his wife and family and doesn't want to curb his sexual expression. I tell him there's no way I'm being that girl and he is surprised at my scruples. I tell him, "Get divorced, have sex with about 30 other people, then call me."

In the meantime, I am still fielding responses from my Local Booty Call ad. One evening, while chatting with Mark on Facebook, Shane texted me (no, not the same Shane. There's a story here. I'll tell you about that later). Shane is a guy I'd been avoiding because he was ridiculously attractive and was convinced would have nothing to do with me once setting eyes on me. He was insistent, so we talked one night on the phone. That night I was chatting with Mark his text said, "There's something I need to tell you.... I'm married."

WTF?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Shane's story is the same as Mark's, down to the whole I-want-my-cake-and-eat-it-too idea of not leaving the wife but enjoying me on the side. In a long lunch-break conversation the following day, I tell him that I will not have an affair with him and I urge him to have a conversation with his wife. "Talk to her. Tell her what's going on for you. Perhaps you guys can make some arrangements, get creative, go to therapy, decide to have an open relationship. But Shane," I cautioned, "You will not feel good about cheating on her. It sounds good now, but it will eat at you every day."

The next day I got another text. "My wife and I had a conversation. We're on our way to having an open relationship."

Sheesh.

I'm left to wonder what it is about me that I'm attracting married men. As a therapist, I know that women who get involved with married guys are waving the huge, "I'm afraid of intimacy and commitment" flag. This might be true about me. But the fact that I'm not going there (yet), I believe, speaks volumes. I think it speaks to my integrity. I think it may also say something about what I do want in a relationship some day.

But until that relationship shows up, I'll keep writing...